Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Why do I even bother falling for anyone anymore? All I’m ever going to get out of it is heartache… just as I am starting to get back on track after my last disastrous ‘relationship’ if you can even call it that… I fall for another girl. Even though I know exactly how she feels abut me, and that she has just come out of a serious relationship and not ready for another one, it still kills me when she says she is going to give up females, and only go for guys now. How can someone, who is still checking out females when we go out, say she is turning completely straight? It doesn’t make sense.It also doesn’t make sense for the woman’s ex to turn up, give her this huge hug, and then spend the next 15 mins with her arms wrapped around the girl I like, after I had just spent almost the entire week trying to help my friend move on from her ex.

Even though I know I can cope with her saying that, I feel somewhat betrayed. For the past few days, she has been flirting openly with me, being very suggestive, and now is turning her back completely. that is something I can’t deal with. Also, as we went out tonight, as me and one of my best mates always do, she drove, so that I could have a few drinks for once. I think the woman in question could tell that I wasn’t happy about something, so she reached to the backseat where I was sitting, and did the flirty tickle thing on my knee… How can she dare to touch me, when she knows that I like her as much as I do, but she doesn’t want to be with me.

I don’t want to be this person, who starts to spiral again when she gets rejected, but it always seems to happen.

I know this is extremely ranty, and I know I will most likely regret blogging this, I still needed to get this out of my system, and hopefully move past it

Don’t ever bother watching Sorority Row… unless you are looking for a laugh… its so shit!!!!

Just thought I would share that with everyone! lol

Sometimes I wonder if I’m invisible? Am I alone in this world. Other times I just feel numb. I don’t know why I bother getting out of bed some days. I’m only going to end back in bed 12 or so hours later, right?

I often wonder if I have friends… I know I have friends, and I know they love me, but sometimes I just feel alone. They are often coming around here, which is great, but then they leave, taking my flatmate, which is all well and good, but they don’t seem to invite me where they are going… Maybe I’m just being paranoid… But its happened twice in the last couple days, so maybe not… Its not like these are just mates who I occasionally hang out with either… I’m talking my two best friends, and their partners, one who I’ve known since college, and the other I’ve known for close on 8 years. Maybe thats what the issue is… They each have a significant other, and they don’t want me feeling like a third wheel. I wonder if they realise that by leaving me behind, and doing couply things, they are making me feel like a third wheel even more. And its not like I’m even looking for a boyfriend. I’ve had boyfriends. I was even engaged at one point. I’m quite happy being on my own. But Each of my best friends have said in the last week or so that they miss seeing and hanging out with me… Its not that hard to invite me into whatever is going on… I always seem to be inviting them to where ever I may be going.

I have this other mate, who i seem to be hanging out with a lot lately, which is great since she is an awesome chick! We go out clubbing alot together, hang out at uni and town and where ever we may find ourselves. Around her I feel at ease, like she genuinely wants to hang out with me… I just don’t feel like that around other mates of mine. Its almost as though I’m being taken for granted. I’m sure they don’t mean that, but its how I feel.

Being numb also seems to be a big thing lately… I just don’t know what I feel… Its like my body is on auto pilot, and my mind is being taken for a ride. Maybe thats what my friends sense, that I’m not all there sometimes. But maybe, if they can sense that, wouldn’t they come and try and take me away from the confines of my house, and awaken me?

Maybe I’m just thinking way too much, and reading into things that aren’t even there, but it is how I feel… Things haven’t been right with me a very long time. Christmas is when it all seemed to turn to shit. All because I managed to fall for the wrong person.

However, that story is for another time. But if and when I get around to telling that story, and I’ll tell you now, its a biggie, maybe you’ll understand just how I may have ended this way.

I never wanted to be the cynical, against love bitch I seemed to have turned into. But thats exactly where I seem to be. Maybe I need to forget everything that happened in the past… I mean, its all history. But then again, don’t they say that we need to study history, and learn from past mistakes? Maybe thats why I’m so fucking confused.

But then again, maybe thats life, and I just have to deal…

Ok, so as my first post on my blog, forgive me if I get a little ranty… thats not my intention!

So lets start of with a bit about me… I’m a 22 y.o chick, who loves to hang out and have fun. I work in a bar, I’m at Uni studying Behavioural Sciences, and have a lot of fun doing both. My best friends are freaking awesome… they are always there for me, no matter what…

I’ve recently moved back from QLD, where I lived for almost 18 months. I really loved it up there, but in the end I just needed to come home where my family and friends were.

Today has got me feeling slightly second best… not sure why… There are things in my life at the moment, that just really have me confused.

For example… there is this woman I fell in love with. One minute she wanted to be with me, the next she didn’t… This continued for weeks before I pulled the pin on the relationship full stop. But still, even though its been almost 2 months since I have really spoken to her, I can’t get her out of my head.

the too-ing and fro-ing, I just can’t handle anymore…

There is so much more going on in my head, but I have no idea how to write it all down, so I’m just going to leave it as that… maybe another time my head will work out what it wants to say…